The following is not meant to be offensive to any bagpipe lovers out there. I have a bit of Scotch blood in me meself. But if I were to try to play the bagpipes, these would certainly apply to me.
Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q. "Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?"
A. "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche.
Q. What's a piper's definition of "optimism"?
A. A piper with a beeper.
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