Issue: September 1999,
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears Hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But that is just a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on the bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save time?)
On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean Kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space or underwater?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet. Eats nuts. (I'm glad they cleared that up!)
On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Some actual newspaper adds:
Amana Washer, $100, owned by bachelor who seldom washed.
Wire mesh butchering gloves, one 5-finger, one 3-finger. Pair, $15.
Free puppies: Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor dog.
Alzheimer's Center prepares for an affair to remember.
Nice parachute, used once, never opened.
Whirlpool built-in oven, frost free.
Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer & dryer.
Fully cooked boneless smoked man, $2.09 lb.
Hummels, largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it.
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