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How About A Little Humour

Author:Author unknown, Issue: December 1998, Topic: Humour

While the Alien Times is not intended to be bulletin board for the latest jokes (particularly the 'off-color' or sarcastic kind), we nevertheless occasionally include a few articles of that nature. That is especially true if our readers have not contributed much material to the editors for inclusion and we are short of material, something that is definitely true this month! (Hint! Hint!)

Several years ago, a list of fractured English and unintended double meanings from around the world was printed in the paper. Some refer to political entities no longer in existence, such as the USSR, and so they are somewhat dated. Some will perhaps remember seeing them, but they’re still worth a laugh even if you’ve already seen them.

In a Bucharest, Romania, hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Belgrade, Yugoslavia, hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop you trousers here for best results.

Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.

From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In a Vienna, Austria, hotel: In case of fire, do your best to alarm the hotel porter.

In a Zurich, Switzerland, hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement for a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy make in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today, No ice cream.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Rome doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco, Mexico, hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

Non-native Speakers Not Only Ones to Come Up With Unintended Double Meanings

Lest you think that the examples of unintended double meanings are limited to the non-English speaking world, the following are a few samples of actual newspaper headlines that could be understood in more than one way, the one intended meaning and an unintended and hilarious meaning.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

<< Haunted House Fundraiser | Master Index | Tsukuba Muslim Residents Association: December 1998 >>


The International Women's Network (IWN) is a group of women who enjoy chatting with people from all over the world. We hold a monthly potluck dinner where we exchange information about the local community while eating a variety of foods. No reservation is needed to attend the potluck. Just bring one dish of food and show up at the meeting. Newcomers are always welcome! Take advantage of this unique opportunity to enjoy the international city of Tsukuba with us!

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