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News Flash! Scientists Discover New Element

Author:Author unknown, Issue: March 2000, Topic: Humour

The following should be an article of great interest to the scientific community here in Tsukuba. Perhaps if the folks out at the High Energy Physics Laboratory search hard, they may even find a heavier version of this newly discovered element - one that has been right under our noses for so many years but has only recently been described in scientific terms. From the AP (Absurdities Press) News service:

Investigators at a major US research university recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.

However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to its discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over time, since each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass."

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in large companies, healthcare facilities and universities; and will often be found in the newest, best-maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.

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