The following are actual announcements taken from a variety of church bulletins in the U.S. with some humorous misprints or wordings that definitely carry unintended meanings. We thought we would include them in this issue to add some additional humor to this season of merriment.
We'll start with one that kind of reminds one of an ecclesiastical Dr. Kervorkian. "Don't let worry kill you--let the church help."
And while we are on the subject of illness, here's one that was perhaps a Freudian slip: "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community." (And while we're at it, let's also remember those who are sick in our church and community!)
Social gatherings around food are an important part of any fellowship. The following statements reveal what we perhaps expected all along! "Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow." (They apparently meant to say "prayer and meditation", but then again, considering some of the potlucks I've been to, perhaps that is what they really meant!)"
"A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow." (Definitely not my type of aroma therapy!)
"Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early."
Children are such a blessing in our lives. The following announcements reveal some of the wonder of it all: "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer."
"This afternoon there will be meetings in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."
Here's a couple where the church secretary really laid an egg: "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
"Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so."
It's often been said that women are the backbone of the church. We suspect, however, that the following announcements in church bulletins would have raised a few eyebrows: "The service will close with 'little drops of water.' One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in."
"The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday."
"Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, 'put me in my little bed' accompanied by the pastor."
"Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Young Mothers Club. All wishing to become young mothers, please see the minister in his study."
And one final one that expresses things very well: "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
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