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Comic Relief

Author:Author unknown, Issue: September 1999, Topic: Humour

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

  1. On a Sears Hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
  2. On a bag of Fritos chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
  3. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
  4. On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But that is just a suggestion!)
  5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on the bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
  6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
  7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save time?)
  8. On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
  9. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
  10. On a Korean Kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
  11. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space or underwater?)
  12. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious)
  13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet. Eats nuts. (I'm glad they cleared that up!)
  14. On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Some actual newspaper adds:

  1. Amana Washer, $100, owned by bachelor who seldom washed.
  2. Wire mesh butchering gloves, one 5-finger, one 3-finger. Pair, $15.
  3. Free puppies: Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor dog.
  4. Alzheimer's Center prepares for an affair to remember.
  5. Nice parachute, used once, never opened.
  6. Whirlpool built-in oven, frost free.
  7. Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer & dryer.
  8. Fully cooked boneless smoked man, $2.09 lb.
  9. Hummels, largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it.

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